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vive la fete

August 2014

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Aug. 9th, 2014

vive la fete

save me

from myself

help me, I'm holding on for dear life

you deserve better, not trash like me

use me and abuse me

Feb. 2nd, 2014

vive la fete

Who am I?

It's been a tough month. I feel like I'm just living through the motions; like a robot. I have to be at work, so I go. I have to do certain things, so I do. But the rest of the time, I'm just in bed. I can't seem to get out of there. Sometimes even to go to my kitchen and get food. I'm just tired all the time. It's gross how lazy I am, but I actually have no energy or willpower to do anything.

I feel lost. I don't recognize myself anymore. A lot of times, I feel like I pretend to do things that are 'me'. I laugh at things that I would laugh at. I smile because it's expected. But inside, I feel fake sometimes. I feel like being alone and pushing people away. I feel anxious so regularly now. Every weekend without fail I have an episode- where my chest feels tight, and i feel out of control, hot, and can't get my mind to stop whirring.

I don't feel like anything's going right. Feel like I don't do a good enough job at work, my body is so out of shape, and there are issues with my relations. But the weird thing is, I feel so detached from it all. I don't like my body, but I don't care. I feel dumb at work, but I just don't care enough to do anything. I feel numb to it all. I'm just tired. I feel numb and my body just says sleep, so i sleep. but i don't sleep peacefully. I wake up a few times every night, always thinking i'm late.

It's a weird mix of feelings- worry but numb, anxious but low energy. And I don't know who I am anymore. Half the time i just want a break from school. Medical school is a privilege and i'm blessed to have this opportunity, but I feel like I'm wasting it away.

I don't know anymore. I feel like there's something wrong. But who can i tell? Sometimes i get sad after hearing control your mind. Because all that makes me feel like is, it's my fault all over again. can't do anything right. sometimes you just wish something else was causing the problem, because it wouldn't be your fault and people would understand that.

i don't know. i feel like i'm stuck. I'm tired. i don't like this me. but I'm tired. and i just go through with everything because that's what i have to do.

i don't even have the energy to think of a song that i can connect with right now. maybe i'll just sleep.

Nov. 10th, 2013

vive la fete

old habits die hard

it's been a difficult last two days. week in a way. i do not know what has happened this week, but something has tipped me over the edge. studying about eating disorders, hearing from a classmate who's had an eating disorder, the fight, the stress, the attempt to live healthily...everything

i know it's not healthy. i know it's a dangerous path. trying to be healthy so quickly turns into restriction for me. but it's almost like i've lost the will to say no. i don't want to say no. i want to restrict. i want to cut calories. i hate the fat on my body. and it's not like i'm imagining the fat this time...it's there

it's like this is my coping mechanism. i don't want to starve. but i want to cut calories. it's my way of controlling things. everything around seems to be out of my control. i feel like it's all too much

my mood's down too. apparently ED's go hand in hand with depression and OCD a lot of times. it's like the perfect description of my personality. isn't that funny...i'm supposedly the happiest person people have met. but my mind never shuts off. i haven't found peace. especially lately.

i feel so secure when i control my eating. i feel empowered. i feel success. i feel like i can do things. is there a way of cutting calories but not starving. how do i be thin without hurting my body too much?

isn't is strange that a future physician had an eating disorder? is that weird? how do i help people if i can't/won't help myself? but it's just the desire....i don't want to stop. i like having this control. i feel so helpless without it

i've become so numb, i can't feel you there
so tired, so much more aware

music numbs my mind. my thoughts shut off. peace. no wonder i love music so much

i'm tired of being what you want me to be

sometimes it's all too much. trying to be the perfect student, daughter, sister, girlfriend... I feel guilty for feeling like i want to restrict my calories. but i do feel it. but how do i tell you? i feel like i'm a disappointment

i've felt this way before...confusing what is real

confusing

precious and fragile things need special handling

Nov. 8th, 2013

vive la fete

so long

I haven't felt like this in a long time. I'm being reassured that that part of me never left. It just stayed low.

Let down/shut down.

I feel fat. ugly. disappointment. failure. never good enough. a fuck up.

Can i get meds to block out the thoughts in my head.

Bones are so hard. so uncomfortable to others. keep other people away. other people bring problems. i like being alone. i only have to deal with myself then.

what if my wrists just bled. what if i just left. what if everything could be quiet again.

what if i was stronger...better

Jan. 29th, 2013

vive la fete

numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me

May. 29th, 2012

vive la fete

Detaching

I've always been proud of how I could cut people out of my life and be alright with it. I thought detachment was easy, achievable. But what I didn't realize that it's different when you choose to detach, when it's your choice to detach...when you're forced to detach, there's so many more obstacles involved. My mind says detach...but it's hard to let go of something that meant so much for years.

This ain't no fucking sing-a-long, so girl what you singing for?

"Learn to detach. Detach doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. Take any emotion...If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment." Tuesdays with Morrie.

But I think the biggest obstacle is the part of me that does not want to detach. Hold on to the object floating in the sea till you're pushed off it...or till you're ready to dive and drown and let go. Planning, being certain is what I feel comfortable with...this uncertainty is outside my comfort zone. I don't feel equipped to deal with it- but then again, life doesn't put you in situations where you can always say "I got this". Expanding the comfort zone is the objective, but I feel like I just shift my comfort zone each time. In order to move on from things, I block it out and cut it out. Avoid it- go somewhere else. But what's left is that nothing feels like my own, nowhere feels comfortable, no one feels like my own (with the exception of very few).

Take your nose off my keyboard, what you bothering me for? What you following me for?

Everything's changing. I somehow had this understanding of life where only one major change occurred at a time, that's how sheltered I've been. This phase of life involves more changes than not- and its happening for a reason. Keep looking straight ahead, even though my heart strings are being pulled in every direction but ahead.

we going
straight to the top, rooftop glows

Dec. 20th, 2011

vive la fete

(no subject)

old habits die hard....

Oct. 1st, 2011

vive la fete

relapse

been a while. that's a good thing. unfortunately being back isn't too much of a good thing.

fuckup. playing on repeat in my head. ugly bitch. weakling. disgusting. can you do anything right? fatass. no one wants to hear what you have to say, no one wants to be your friend.....fuckups are meant to be alone.

i really want to cut my hair even shorter. edgier. fuck what everyone has to say. who everyone? people care about you?

dancing in the dark....at least no one can see me then. i love music.....i escape life and live in those songs.

oo lala....cried in class today. weakling haha. what'd you think, you were suddenly badass?

want to quit. your tears are worthless, so why are you shedding them? no one cares dumbass. good for nothing fatass. keep eating. keep getting fat. the one thing that people thought you were good for. did they really? shocking.

ms. fuckup and everything always hurts. physically, you're the biggest whiner i ever met. mentally, you need to stone up. stop crying like a baby. you aren't one and you will never be one again. grow up. you have important and serious things to do.

oh ana....you're always hiding deep inside aren't you. and tonight i dont have the strength to fight. you win.

Aug. 20th, 2011

vive la fete

miss dance.

copied this off someone's blog.



I miss being on stage and just strutting my stuff.


I miss going to rehearsals and beating myself to death.


I miss stretching my muscles perfecting a choreography.


I miss rehearsing with the people I love the most.


I miss rushing to memorize a choreography.


I miss the feeling when it’s nearing performance day and everyone has stage jitters.



I ABSOLUTELY MISS DANCING




so true.

Aug. 13th, 2011

vive la fete

(no subject)

haha the irony.

down up down down up DOWN.

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